This question comes up a lot in our work with families when supporting them to set up a Family Language Policy. It is a common query with caregivers who, for example, are keen on speaking the other parent’s language with their child at home (e.g., by adopting the ‘Minority Language at Home’ Strategy), helping them with the school language or who want to raise their child in a language that is not their first. But they are wary of so many things, such as:
- their non-native-like pronunciation
- the fact that their language level is not on par with their first language, or
- their lack of the advanced vocabulary, idiomatic or grammatical knowledge they have in their first language.
That’s one of the things we are really good at as parents – worrying about our children. And the idea that, if we were to raise a child in a language that is not our native, we might be making a huge mistake that will impair their language development or worse – scar them – is simply something we are not ready to toy with.
This issue has been on my mind lately and it’s coming up a lot in my work and in conversations with colleagues and friends. Parents who have a good command of a language want to pass that language to their child but are terrified to do so and it can be rather frustrating. Especially if they have an emotional connection with that language.
Why is that? I think, a part of the obsession with native speakerism in this context is closely connected with a yearning to be perfect in a society that does not condone anything but; with the notion that bilinguals are supposed to be two or more monolinguals in one and that the monolingual speaker of a language is the universal norm. The highly idolised native speaker has become a symbol of language perfection (if being perfect in any language is even possible!). By default, parents want the best for their children and passing on an ‘imperfect’ level of a language often does not align with that goal. The illusion of ‘controlling’ that choice on our quest to prepare our children as best as we can for the future provides us with a perceived sense of certainty that is often lacking on our parental journey.
When we talk about native speakers, we need to be clear on one point – which native speaker exactly? Let’s take English, for example. There are so many varieties of that language and a myriad of accents that go with them, so how do we choose? What is the decisive factor and why? Let’s sit with this question for a bit. It can be confusing, can’t it?! A lot of caregivers also consider having a native-like accent a fundamental aspect of language learning. This leads them to opt out of raising a child in a language that is not their native. But is a native-like accent so important? One of my Applied Linguistics professors used to tell us that we should not worry about accents as much and she was right. Her advice made such a big impression on me and is still stuck in my mind because 20 years ago I also considered it an absolutely crucial aspect of language learning. It is not unimportant but definitely not at the top of the list. After all, everybody has an accent – every native speaker of a language has their own accent. And what is even more important – an accent is a part of a person’s identity, which should not be underestimated, especially as our children mature and develop their own identity. What we really need to think about here is what is more important – developing fluency and being able to communicate and express ourselves freely or focusing on more ‘superficial’ aspects such as an accent.
Something that we tell our clients, as Prof. François Grosjean also points out, is that, to become a successful bilingual, a child needs to have a purpose and a context for learning and sustaining a language. Whether it is for school, daycare, after-school activities or communicating with extended family, if a child has a meaningful answer to the question ‘Why do I have to do this?’, odds are in favour of bilingualism. Providing meaningful motivation is one part of the puzzle, regardless of whether one is a native speaker of a language or not. And, yes, you can speak to your child in a language you have a great command of but is not your mother tongue and you do not have to be ‘perfect’ in it. What is important are the following points:
- Emotional connection with your child
Language is emotion and your parent-child bond is above anything else. Instead of thinking about native-like proficiency, think about these questions, for example:
- Can you relate to the language in question emotionally?
- Do you feel comfortable forming relationships in that language?
- Can you express your feelings in that language?
- Do you feel like ‘yourself’ when speaking that language?
These considerations are much more important when deciding which language to speak to your children and trump accent, making occasional mistakes or having the vocabulary you need all the time.
- Amount of input
As I’ve written before, input is the holy grail of language learning. Therefore, you need to consider how to support the language you have decided to use with your children within the framework of your Family Language Plan – what are your goals for that language and how you will provide for them to be achieved. Depending on your situation – where you live, your community, school and societal language – this might require different levels of planning.
And I agree with the idea of potentially scarring our children that I mentioned earlier, but from a totally different perspective. One can scar a child for life by letting them believe that language skills which are not to native-speaker standards are not valuable and advantageous, that no matter how hard you try, if your command is not on the level of some mythical monolingual speaker, it is simply not good enough. That is not true!
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on raising bilingual children 
I can’t remember who it was — I believe a French linguist — who started a book by writing that native speakers do not speak ‘perfectly’, they speak to the satisfaction of their entourage.
How interesting! I’ve never come across that but I’ll definitely look it up! Thanks.
I can’t find the book, but I think I must still have it somewhere. One of the well-known French or French-Swiss linguists from the early 20th century.
Thank you!!
This was a question I had to ask myself many years ago, during my first pregnancy: I am a native speaker of French, but English is my strongest language. The other thing to consider is that my partner and I used French almost exclusively together. I could not not give the gift of English to my kids though. So I committed to it.
We went the one parent, one language route for a long time, and it paid off. There were times when it was difficult (like, I hadn’t considered that I was brought up in French and didn’t have nursery songs in English in my brain already!)
I would do it again though. Now my kids are 12 and 9. The eldest is more French, but chose to go in an English intensive program at school because she loves English, and the youngest simply considers herself English. Both speak the two languages very well.
Nowadays, we all codeswitch left and right, and of course it’s often situation-specific (since they go to French school, speaking about school is often in French for instance.)
I won’t lie, it’s also a relief to let myself use both. Only English was difficult at times, especially when it felt like it wasn’t working (my eldest was 5 or 6 when she started using English for real. We could tell she understood, but it was only a few words here and there.)
Hi Tanya, this is great! Thank you so much for sharing your story that I am sure will be inspirational for other parents in a similar situation. It is possible and doable indeed, but, as you laid out, it is a huge commitment and it is not always easy. I am curious – which language do your children use together? I can imagine they mix languages as well but which is their preferred one?
Oh that was the most surprising part! I’m their obly reference in English, or at least I was for a very long time, so I expected them to use French together. However… they have almost exclusively always used English! I remember listening to them play with dolls together in English and being dumbfounded.
This beings up another point: my youngest is more proficient in English and we think it’s because she now had 2 references – her sister and I – while my eldest only had me.
I swear this has been quite a ride so far!
It is amazing, isn’t it?! And just as you wrote, that might very well be the case for your younger daughter – more input could definitely be a game changer. Personality traits too and I can imagine she also wanted to be like her older sister.
But compliments to you for being so consistent and persistent along the way! It is paying off!
Typos fixed*
Oh that was the most surprising part! I’m their only reference in English, or at least I was for a very long time, so I expected them to use French together. However… they have almost exclusively always used English! I remember listening to them play with dolls together in English and being dumbfounded.
This brings up another point: my youngest is more proficient in English and we think it’s because she now had 2 references – her sister and I – while my eldest only had me.
I swear this has been quite a ride so far!
We also stuck to one-parent-one-language for many years (three children), except that my wife and I spoke German together. The whole environment was German, which was also their school language, and I was generally their only source of English. They all had phases (roughly grades one through four of school) when I spoke English but they answered in German. Even in these phases they insisted I speak English, and were annoyed if I lapsed into German on occasion.
So you are a German family in Germany and you raised your children in German and English. What an amazing gift you’ve given your children! I assume they spoke German among each other? Impressive that they would insist on you speaking English and not mixing, even though they were.
When we moved to the Netherlands from Germany, I was torn between languages. I wanted to maintain my son’s German (he was 3,5yo at the time and I had only spoken to him in Bulgarian) and seriously considered switching to German with him. However, he is very sensitive and I knew that such a change, along with the big move, would be too distressing for him, so I stuck with Bulgarian. Looking back, I know that was the right choice even though I wish I had handled differently. German is so close to my heart and always in the background at home though, so he is slowly getting used to it again.
Hello! I just found the On Raising Bilingual Children blog and am excited to read more posts.
I’m a linguist (native English speaker), with French as my second language, and have been trying to speak to my now-4-year-old son a bit in French every day since he was born. I’m relatively fluent, with a good accent and grammar, although sometimes lacking vocab. But we live in the U.S., no one else around us speaks French (including my husband), and it’s been a struggle. My son has decent passive understanding and a good accent, but rarely speaks it himself. I’ve finally started researching the topic of bilingual parenting, and wish I had done so years ago! I’m learning so many helpful things.
This part of your article really struck me:
“a part of the obsession with native speakerism in this context is closely connected with a yearning to be perfect in a society that does not condone anything but; with the notion that bilinguals are supposed to be two or more monolinguals in one and that the monolingual speaker of a language is the universal norm.”
Even as someone with a linguistic background, I still had the presuppositions you’re talking about here. This especially – “the notion that bilinguals are supposed to be two or more monolinguals in one” – is terrifically well-said, and has just reframed my expectations. Thank you!
Hello and thank you so much for taking the time to comment and share some of your experiences!
Your efforts in speaking French with your son, despite the challenges of being in a primarily English-speaking environment, are commendable. Do you have any French-speaking playgroups in your area? How about looking for like-minded people in your area and starting your own playgroup? Might be a long shot, but potentially worth a try. Indeed, as you’ve experienced that too, bilingualism isn’t always a straightforward path, especially in monolingual societies.
I’m very happy to hear that the article was helpful and struck a chord with you, particularly the discussion around ‘native speakerism’ and the unrealistic expectations it often creates. It’s still a common misconception that bilinguals must attain the proficiency level of two (or more) monolinguals in each language they speak. In reality, there is such a wide range of language abilities + levels attained and each individual’s experience is unique.
Your background in linguistics no doubt gives you a solid foundation and, as you’re navigating through, it gets clearer that the practical aspects of raising a bilingual child can and do bring unforeseen challenges. Life happens in-between too 😉 It’s so great to read how enthusiastic and committed you are! As you continue, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s completely normal to encounter moments of doubt or difficulty. It’s never too late to start researching and adapting your approach, and I’m thrilled that our blog could be a part of your process!
If there’s anything more we can do to support you or any specific topics you’d like to see covered in future posts, please don’t hesitate to let us know.
Also, if you are on Instagram, do check out our content there too: https://www.instagram.com/on_raising_bilingual_children/
Best of luck on your discovery journey! 😊