It’s an interesting paradox that while we, as parents and caregivers, constantly strive to do the best for our children, we also frequently find ourselves wrapped up in worries – whether we’re pushing them too hard or perhaps not doing enough. Parental guilt is very real and the area of language development is no exception.

Many parents raising children with more than one language I’ve talked to often wrestle with the decision whether or how to pass on their native, often a minority, language to their children within their current environment. There’s a lingering question – Is it selfish to prioritise a language that only one parent speaks, especially if it’s not widely used where you live? You can be riddled with doubt, especially as your child grows and becomes increasingly immersed in the dominant language of their surroundings.

Initially, when your child is young and not yet attending school, maintaining a minority language at home can be fairly easy, even natural. However, as your child grows and is exposed more and more to the majority language, the “smaller” language might start feeling like a burden to pass on especially when it involves a lot of additional effort to provide for language exposure. The effort required to provide sufficient exposure to a less dominant language can seem overwhelming, taking time that could be spent on play or other social activities in the majority language. It can even start to feel like a chore.

Yet, it’s crucial to challenge this view and recognise the true value of passing on your native language. In fact, it is far from selfish; it’s a profound expression of love and a deep commitment to your child. It connects them to family roots and provides them with unique cognitive and socio-emotional advantages. Yes, it is an act of love!

The misconception of selfishness

The concept of selfishness is often misunderstood, especially when it relates to parenting decisions. The Cambridge dictionary defines selfishness as “the quality of thinking only of your own advantage”, yet the choices we make as parents are rarely, if ever, solely for ourselves. Even if some of the choices we make along the way feel like it anyway. One such decision is whether to pass on our home (minority) language to our children, a choice that might sometimes feel selfish due to deep-seated societal and cultural pressures.

Often, this feeling stems from a fear that focusing on a language that is not widely spoken in the community can isolate the child or hinder their integration into mainstream society. This perspective is further blown out of proportion by the dominant cultural narrative that often prioritises assimilation and conformity over the benefits of maintaining linguistic diversity. Misconceptions about bilingualism play a significant role into this narrative as well. Common misconceptions suggest that children exposed to multiple languages from an early age might become confused or that their proficiency in the majority language might suffer. These are some of the fears that might discourage parents from passing on their native language, despite overwhelming evidence that growing up with more than one language brings significant advantages.

Many parents I’ve spoken with experience a push-and-pull dynamic: they desire to pass on their language, yet fear the pressure it might impose on their children might be overwhelming or unjustified. This inner conflict is often not fully acknowledged until families engage in deeper conversations about their parenting choices. It’s a revelation for many when they realise they feel guilty for potentially burdening their children with additional challenges and taking time away from other things. This guilt can lead parents to believe they are prioritising their own (potentially even unjustified) desires over their children’s real needs. You know what, ignore this little voice in your head!

Of course, there are some selfish reasons, such as being able to have deep conversations in a language that is close to your heart, being able to share the love and connect through it and being able to share experiences and emotions. It is not an entirely selfless undertaking and, even as a parent, I cannot call it that. But it is in no way self-centered. In fact, the underlying truth is that the desire to pass on a home language is driven more by the benefits it offers to the child than by selfish motives. It’s about connecting children to their heritage, enhancing their cognitive skills and preparing them for a globalised world – a dual-benefit scenario that psychologist Dr. John A. Johnson, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the Pennsylvania State University, refers to as “good selfishness,” which benefits both the individual and others. Therefore, not selfish but not quite selfless either. So, “Why not practice good selfishness, which benefits both ourselves and others?“[1]

Let’s shift the narrative by addressing these misconceptions head-on, shall we!? By understanding the roots of these fears and debunking the myths surrounding bilingualism, we can begin to appreciate the „good selfishness”, because this is never „just“ about language; it’s about giving children a richer, more connected experience of the world. As we change our perspective, we recognise that passing on a minority language is not an act of selfishness but an act of profound generosity – both to your child and to yourself.

Emotional connections through language

Language is emotion and it also plays a vital role in forming emotional bonds. For many parents, minority languages hold profound emotional significance, serving as a bridge that connects the past, present and future. They are the link to their cultural identity and personal history. When parents share their native language with their children, it does more than just convey words; it transmits feelings, traditions and nuances that might be hard to fully express or translate otherwise. This shared linguistic heritage has the power to create a unique and intimate bond between a parent/caregiver and a child, deepening their emotional connection.

For many parents, including myself, speaking our home language with our children allows us to express love, concern and joy that feels deeper and authentical. This practice not only enriches our relationship but also provides our children with a stronger sense of belonging and identity. It allows them to appreciate and internalise aspects of their heritage that enrich their understanding of themselves and their place in the world.

Cultural and identity benefits

Language is fundamentally intertwined with cultural identity and heritage. That is a fact. It acts as a living archive of a culture’s history, values and social norms. When children learn a minority language, they gain a deeper understanding of their own heritage and, ultimately, of their own self. It fosters a strong sense of identity and belonging. It connects children not only to their immediate family but also to a larger community that shares common roots and experiences. This connection is especially significant in a globalised world, where maintaining a distinct cultural identity can be challenging; where figuring out all the parts of yourself is more important than it has ever been – in a world that claims to value diversity yet somehow often leans towards homogenisation. One-of-a-kind attribute of minority languages – they offer children a sense of continuity and a firm grounding, allowing them to interact with the world with a clearer sense of self.

Social and academic benefits

Social connectivity

Developing strong language skills in the home language allows children to maintain meaningful connections within their cultural community, enhancing their ability to participate fully in family and community traditions. So, it doesn’t come as a surprise that it helps develop deeper relationships with family members, particularly with older generations who predominantly use the native language. The robust emotional and social networks that could be created through these interactions provide support that can be invaluable during challenging times.

Children who are fluent in their home language can also communicate with a broader range of people, appreciate different perspectives and are often more empathetic and adaptable in diverse settings. They understand that there are multiple ways to express ideas and can adapt when looking for meaningful connections in diverse groups. These skills are invaluable not only from a global perspective, but on a local level as well.

Academic advantages

Academically, children who maintain a high level of proficiency in their home language often perform better across all subjects. Providing a solid foundation in the home language inadvertently supports learning the school language and, consequently, academic development. Simply because languages are connected and support each other, rather than stay in each other’s way. In addition, proficiency in the home language is associated with benefits that extend into learning additional languages. And that underscores the interconnectedness of language skills, where proficiency in one language reinforces and enhances proficiency in another. Developing the home language strengthens not only cognitive development, but also various other tasks that help boost executive function skills.

Career and other educational opportunities

And, of course, one aspect that shouldn’t be minimised is that the ability to speak multiple languages has become an increasingly sought-after skill in the professional world. Proficiency in multiple languages can open doors to a wider range of career opportunities in various fields. It can also enhance a child’s educational opportunities, such as easier access specialised programmes and scholarships.

After reading this, take some time and do your cost-benefits analysis. Yes, that’s right, a cost-benefit analysis for home-language learning! “In general we associate cost-benefit analysis with a simple money-grubbing, “what’s in it for me right now?” calculation. But within the social sciences cost benefit analysis has been more inclusive than that for decades. We all pursue many benefits spread out over time and space.“ [2] We consider a variety of benefits that span across different stages of our lives, affecting not just us directly but future generations as well. This analysis isn’t just about what pays off now, but what might enrich our lives in the long term. And if I may venture a prediction, the benefits of nurturing your home language will sure outweigh the costs. So, do it and don’t feel bad about it. And while you are at it, make sure to show yourself some kindness and love in the process. Because passing your home language to your child is far from selfish – it is a declaration of love and a commitment to your child. It’s a meaningful gesture of dedication that is sure to enrich all your lives.

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[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cui-bono/201501/good-neutral-and-bad-selfishness

[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy/201311/selfishness-10-myths-you-may-be-relieved-to-debunk